Head and Heart

My head tells me the sooner it ends the better it is for her. The shorter time she has left means her suffering will be less...

My heart feels guilty that my head is thinking that way, because in thinking that way I am essentially wishing for her death which I don't...

and do....

conflicted

confused

then I realized however I felt, or think has no influence whatsoever on what is going on..

all I can do, is hope that when I make the call to the other end of the world, although all I can hear is the oxygen mask, that my voice still reaches her. That for however short/long period of time she has left, she knows that she is not alone. That love is around her, her children and grandchildren.

That is all that I can wish for... hope for...

Head and heart.

Religion

Religion is such a funny thing. My grandma (dad's mum) had been a Buddhist all her life, whilst she was not devoted one, she certainly never missed giving offerings on special occasions such as chinese new year to Buddha. Until few years ago, she walked past a Christian church and was offered to learn about God.. for free that she was converted. Now she is a Christian, everyone Sunday a volunteer comes to her home that reads bible to her. While she doesn't pray before her meals nor prays everynight, she believes there's a place in heaven for her.

My other grandma had been an atheist all her life, but she was taught by Russian nuns in her primary school days that she had always been more lenient toward Christianity. My mum has been Buddhist for most of her life but whenever mum mentions it, grandma had always shown certain dislike towards it. Few weeks ago whilst in hospital, Buddhist monk was visiting patients offering to pray for patients. Now as she lie onher bed with a small mp3 that plays monk's chants hanging from the side of the bed, and Buddhist beads on her wrists.

Religion... is a funny thing. Perhaps what we choose to believe depends on our family background, and what is presented to us at the right time. Perhaps certain religion resonates more strongly with certain individuals so no matter what religion they started with, they'll eventually ends up with their destined religion.... Who knows.