The Psychotic me!
Been wanting to post this up for a while now, but having stuff coming up, and most important I don't want to come across as being depressed or anything!! coz i am not!!
For a while now I've always wondered why sometimes I come across as having lots of complaints when I am really not complaining at all... Like.. Danny always tells me I complain too much, but really, half the time I was only describing things that happened to me.
Then something struck me, durign the fonterra assessment day, when I realized there is something... very psychotic about the way I look at life... ok.. psychotic is an exaggeration, but it's really.. bizarre.
I dont' know when exactly this way of thinking began... I guess me being a.. cartoon freak, it must've sprouted from there. As a kid, I watched cartoons/dramas etc about amazing heros and heroin who survived horrible events that happened to them, protecting earth from alien attacks, ppl being mistreated unfairly, ppl sabatage each other etc etc. So instead of tea parties, we used to play role playing games, and it woudl always involve certain types of struggle before we stood, as heros and heroins at the end of our role play.
Then biology came along.... when we were taught about the survival of the fittest. How the strength of an organism depends on it's ability to adapt and survive, whatever environmental changes come along their way. Before I knew it... I was crafted into this person who just... simply survives.
Of course there's one.. problem with this mode of thinking, is that heck my life has been so great that I didn't have anythign to survive way through (see how bizaare this is), and in many ways, it makes me feel undeserving, like on my little heroin scale, I am close to the bottom. I guess this is why I never feel like i deserve any compliments. I've notice this about myself heaps of times, when ppl compliments me on stuff, i'll try to convince them otherwise, and if they are persistent enough, i'll try to compliment them back, just to proof that I am not as great as what they think I am? Afterwards, I've always wondered why couldn't I just accept my compliments gracefully, but it's because I dont' htink I deserved it, every good things that has happened to me were given to me, not because I've earned it.
AND if that wasn't twisted enough, in order to boost my own morale, I started looking for 'hardship' in life for me to... survive through. "I have mountain loads of assignments, it's inhumane for the lecturers to give us this much work" I say thigns like that so that when ppl agree with me that those are indeed not easy task to complete, I feel better about myself, because on my little heroin scale, it's pointing a bit higher.
So here's the thing, I really really dont' want to feel this way anymore. I dont' want to just survive anymore! my life is great! it's too brilliant for me not just survive it, but to live it. I guess it's great to have ppl around me now who are... I guess.... really living their lifes, and I hope I can use them as a reminder to myself that I too deserve to live.... not just to survive.!! I AM living my dream! if I can't even enjoy that, then I am really wasting my life away.
p.s. this post was not intended to some depressing or anythign, if it come across that way, it's just coz I am psychotic.. hahaha
For a while now I've always wondered why sometimes I come across as having lots of complaints when I am really not complaining at all... Like.. Danny always tells me I complain too much, but really, half the time I was only describing things that happened to me.
Then something struck me, durign the fonterra assessment day, when I realized there is something... very psychotic about the way I look at life... ok.. psychotic is an exaggeration, but it's really.. bizarre.
I dont' know when exactly this way of thinking began... I guess me being a.. cartoon freak, it must've sprouted from there. As a kid, I watched cartoons/dramas etc about amazing heros and heroin who survived horrible events that happened to them, protecting earth from alien attacks, ppl being mistreated unfairly, ppl sabatage each other etc etc. So instead of tea parties, we used to play role playing games, and it woudl always involve certain types of struggle before we stood, as heros and heroins at the end of our role play.
Then biology came along.... when we were taught about the survival of the fittest. How the strength of an organism depends on it's ability to adapt and survive, whatever environmental changes come along their way. Before I knew it... I was crafted into this person who just... simply survives.
Of course there's one.. problem with this mode of thinking, is that heck my life has been so great that I didn't have anythign to survive way through (see how bizaare this is), and in many ways, it makes me feel undeserving, like on my little heroin scale, I am close to the bottom. I guess this is why I never feel like i deserve any compliments. I've notice this about myself heaps of times, when ppl compliments me on stuff, i'll try to convince them otherwise, and if they are persistent enough, i'll try to compliment them back, just to proof that I am not as great as what they think I am? Afterwards, I've always wondered why couldn't I just accept my compliments gracefully, but it's because I dont' htink I deserved it, every good things that has happened to me were given to me, not because I've earned it.
AND if that wasn't twisted enough, in order to boost my own morale, I started looking for 'hardship' in life for me to... survive through. "I have mountain loads of assignments, it's inhumane for the lecturers to give us this much work" I say thigns like that so that when ppl agree with me that those are indeed not easy task to complete, I feel better about myself, because on my little heroin scale, it's pointing a bit higher.
So here's the thing, I really really dont' want to feel this way anymore. I dont' want to just survive anymore! my life is great! it's too brilliant for me not just survive it, but to live it. I guess it's great to have ppl around me now who are... I guess.... really living their lifes, and I hope I can use them as a reminder to myself that I too deserve to live.... not just to survive.!! I AM living my dream! if I can't even enjoy that, then I am really wasting my life away.
p.s. this post was not intended to some depressing or anythign, if it come across that way, it's just coz I am psychotic.. hahaha
Labels: Self Reflection
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